


clean

by thereisnoreality



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Friends With Benefits, Heartbreaks and Heartaches, Idols, M/M, Unrequited Crush, fucking to ignore your feelings~
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:06:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21764227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisnoreality/pseuds/thereisnoreality
Summary: Doyoung takes a breath, then gets up and winds around the table to wrap an arm around Donghyuck's shoulders. "Plenty of idiots exist in this world, Donghyuck," he says quietly into Donghyuck's hair. "Falling in love does not make you one of them."
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Comments: 97
Kudos: 660
Collections: DreamXmas 2019





	clean

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jaemsung](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemsung/gifts).



> dear secret santa recipient, I hope you like this fic because I had so much fun writing it!
> 
> the theme song for this fic is clean by taylor swift, my lord and saviour, and incidentally also the title for this fic. 
> 
> playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mZYwzHvidGVTBdx3igndt?si=IhCXsg93Q1C1ACOc_Y9PkQ), it is very well made if I do say so myself ^_^
> 
> happy holidays <3
> 
> testimonials:
> 
> "played me like a fiddle - exquisite. a must read 4 nahyuckists" - leo  
> “if you think jaemin’s a stupid bastard now, wait until you get a load of this” - jesse  
> “‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.’ - a saying that donghyuck has obviously never heard before” - green  
> "do not trust na jaemin" - berry

“Could you be any more desperate for attention?” Jaemin asks him quietly after the third missed call to Mark. Donghyuck barely hears him at first because of how low he’s talking so as not to attract the attention of the others.

Donghyuck narrows his eyes at him. “Like you’re doing any better,” he shoots back, dipping his head so that his mouth can’t be seen by the camera pointed unerringly at them. “You could hardly keep your hands off of Jeno’s thighs the whole time.”

“Oh, are you jealous?” Jaemin asks, his smirk going wider as his hand lands on Donghyuck’s thigh, fingers digging into the muscle. “Don’t worry, baby, I can pay attention to you too, if you want.”

Donghyuck smiles venomously at him and slams his hand on top of Jaemin’s hand, nails digging in until Jaemin pulls away with a barely concealed wince. “Keep pushing Na, and you’re not getting anything tonight.”

Jaemin raises his eyebrow.

“You were saying?”

Donghyuck drops onto the bed, panting, and rolls over onto his stomach, grateful they’d had the foresight to keep a box of wipes by the bed. Jaemin grins, raking his hand through his sweaty bangs and Donghyuck casts him a flower though he’s sure the effect is diluted from his gasping for breath. “Just because you take dick well doesn’t mean you’re any better at handling this than me.”

“I could fuck you next time,” Jaemin offers offhandedly, handing Donghyuck a water bottle. “Maybe that’ll shut you up.”

Donghyuck makes a face. “Oh, like you were any quieter. You’re lucky everyone’s out at a movie.”

“Lucky?” Jaemin asks, raising an eyebrow, voice just on this side of a crow. “Or just good planning?” He raises his hand to his mouth and lets out a delicate cough. “‘Oh hyung, I couldn’t possibly go out like this, I’ll catch my death in this cold.’”

Despite himself, Donghyuck laughs, letting his head fall back down on the mattress, limbs splaying out in exhaustion. “You’re a menace, Jaemin.”

“That’s the only thing I ever wanted to be,” Jaemin hums, dragging the blanket over them just as goosebumps start to prickle down Donghyuck’s back as the sweat cools. He curls up to Donghyuck’s back, throwing an arm over his waist. “You staying?”

“Yep,” Donghyuck says around a yawn, turning his head away from Jaemin and snuggling up under the blanket. “Wake me when they get here, I do _not_ want Youngjae hyung to see me naked.”

“Of all people,” Jaemin agrees in amusement, and then flicks the dim light by his bed off, plunging the room into darkness.

♮

It’s an inexplicable thing. If anyone had figured it out, had come up to Donghyuck and asked him how it all started, _why_ it all started, he wouldn’t have been able to give them a clear explanation. But regardless, here’s the story anyway:

It starts, like all things do at the beginning.

In their tiny group of seven - now physically six - Mark was the first one to arrive. Donghyuck came next, and thus it was his dubious privilege to watch Jeno and Jaemin arrive one after another and to become the type of friends, in a matter of months, that people would fight years to have. Soulmates, Donghyuck would say, if he was feeling particularly whimsical.

And as the years passed, Donghyuck watched, not without some sympathy, as Jaemin fell deeper and deeper into Jeno’s black hole of helpless endearment and half moon eyed grins. Any person with eyes could have seen how Jaemin looked at him, especially after he returned from hiatus, as if the break had convinced Jaemin that this was his last chance, as if all that time away had distilled into a sort of concentrated desperation that ached for the one person he’d looked at and never looked away from in years.

It was obvious to everyone, but Lee Jeno must have been born without eyes because he never seemed to notice, not even once. Every affectionate gesture was met with wide eyes and then a blush, and then a quick brush off as if it had never happened. Every single time, Jeno moved on, content in the narrative SM had built for him and Jaemin, convinced it was part of a story, an act. Every single time, Donghyuck saw Jaemin wilt a little bit more, only covered up by the bright smile he plastered on so desperately it should have been clear to anyone paying attention that it wasn’t real, that it was all fake, that it was a mask.

Lucky then, perhaps, for Jaemin, that no one was really paying attention.

No one except Donghyuck, but he had his own problems to deal with at the time.

Okay, let’s rewind, all the way back to the start, back to 2013 when Lee Donghyuck makes the decision to enter SM.

He’s sure he’s remembering it wrong now, because it’s been almost six years and a young boy’s memory is often flawed, but Donghyuck swears up and down the first time he ever met Mark Lee, his heart fluttered.

Silly, of course. He knows it.

His heart fluttering could have been attributed to many things, especially as it didn’t stop over the years. He and Mark drove each other crazy and many times, Donghyuck would leave a fight with his blood pounding in his ears and his cheeks hot and red from yelling. There was a reason, of course.

One of them was this : he could have been madly in love with Mark from the first moment he ever saw him, but that was stupid because Donghyuck was an idol and idols didn’t have the luxury of love. Not now, at least; not while they were sleeping less than three hours every night and practicing every day until their feet were raw and bleeding in their shoes, well worn calluses giving way to the nonstop press of their bodies into the hard unyielding ground; not while they were out there fighting every day to gain just a _little_ recognition, to prove that they were just as good as the seniors decorating their company’s gilded walls. So that couldn’t be the reason.

Or maybe Donghyuck simply had an underlying heart issue that would one day take him by surprise and kill him. That was the most palatable option, and Donghyuck often clung to it at night when his cheeks were too flushed and his heart wouldn’t slow down, when all he wanted to do was swing out of bed, walk the three steps to Mark’s bed across the room and poke him awake until he saw that same fire blaze up in his big, warm eyes.

If anyone was paying attention, they would have noticed that the way Donghyuck followed Mark around was a little more than simple, childish, hero worship, that he had stars in his eyes and a smile that never faded, at least not while he was looking at Mark - and he never did seem to stop looking at Mark.

Lucky then, _maybe_ , for Donghyuck, that no one was really paying attention because it meant that a lot slipped under the radar.

No one except Jaemin, but we covered that already.

♮

As to how it actually starts, well…

It starts with Chenle.

Weird, right?

Some explanation:

“Hyung.”

Donghyuck hums, not looking up from the tub of ice cream he was diligently digging into. The tub was nearly gone and it was edging into freezer burn territory, and Donghyuck was intent on shoveling the rest of it down his throat to save the poor ice cream from the terrible depths of the freezer. At least, that was his excuse ready for their manager when he would inevitably catch Donghyuck cheating on his diet.

“Do you hate Jaemin hyung?”

Donghyuck nearly drops the spoon, glancing up at Chenle in surprise. “What gave you that idea?” He asks, regaining his hold around the cold spoon now slippery with condensation, and digs back into the tub .

Chenle shrugs, bumping him over and taking a spoonful for himself. Donghyuck lets him, only because he’d swallowed too fast when Chenle had asked the question and there was a mild brain freeze aching at the back of his head. “I don’t know,” he says thoughtfully. “You rarely talk and you never hang out with each other. Did something happen?”

Donghyuck frowns, thinking about it. Seven people isn’t that big for an idol group, certainly not as large or overwhelming as being in 127 was, _certainly_ not after the 2018 unit happened. But still, you couldn’t be best friends with everyone, and they always fell back into similar patterns, going back to old friendships or the pairings that would drive the shipping wheel that SM so diligently wanted them to stick to. It wasn’t that he and Jaemin weren’t friends, it’s that they were quite possibly the farthest away from each other in a group made up of people who had grown up together.

When he tells Chenle this, Chenle purses his lips at him. "That's no excuse, hyung," he says, knocking Donghyuck's spoon back with his own and digging out a chunk of cookie dough. "You're both in the same group, shouldn't you, I don't know, at least like each other?"

"I like Jaemin," Donghyuck protests, offended. "It's not like I'd laugh if he fell into the ocean or anything." He probably would, but he doesn’t mention that to Chenle. He would just a get a disapproving look in return and it always hurt to be on the other side of those from Chenle. It was like disappointing a baby bear.

"I'm swooning," a voice comes behind them, and Donghyuck twists around to see Jaemin leaning against the kitchen entrance, an amused smirk on his face.

"Hyung," Chenle asks, pointing his spoon at him. "Why do you hate Donghyuck hyung?"

Donghyuck raises his eyebrows at Jaemin as he comes around them, stealing Donghyuck's spoon right out of his hand and leaning over his back to get at the ice cream. He knows, logically, that Jaemin probably doesn't hate him, but he's actually curious to hear his answer.

Jaemin scrapes the bottom of the ice cream tub, humming to himself as he takes a bite. Donghyuck follows the spoon to his lips. The spoon that was just in his mouth. "Whatever gave you that idea?" He asks, unknowingly echoing Donghyuck's previous question.

Chenle shrugs. "You don't seem like friends."

"Maybe we're more than that," Jaemin coos, blowing a kiss in Donghyuck's direction.

Chenle rolls his eyes at Jaemin's antics, rarely in the mood to indulge him unlike Jeno and Jisung, and gets up to drop his spoon in the sink, leaving the last bit of ice cream in Jaemin's hands. "Whatever," he sighs. "You do you, I guess."

"Chenle," Jaemin calls, voice just tipping over into the side of aegyo. "Would you save me if I fell into the ocean?"

Chenle pulls his head back into the kitchen, a droll look on his face. "Not if you keep talking like that, hyung," he says, exiting mercilessly to Jaemin's outraged cry.

Donghyuck glances up at Jaemin, still leaning over his shoulder as he digs at the last stubborn piece of ice cream. "More than that, huh?"

Jaemin grins, not looking at him. "I supposed you must be feeling really frustrated if you’re resorting to me for a fuck," he says easily, leadingly, finally loosening the ice cream chunk and popping it into his mouth, finally looking down at Donghyuck. "All that pining after Mark in that tiny tour bus must hurt."

Donghyuck narrows his eyes. He knows he's not subtle, knows that most of the group - heaven forbid Mark too - can tell his crush, but no one mentions it. Of course it'd be Jaemin who brought it up first. Even if that crush had been ruthlessly suppressed for many months now. "You're one to talk," he says sweetly, forcing as much poison into his tone as he can manage while keeping the smile on his face.

Jaemin's smile falls off his face. "I don't know what you mean."

Donghyuck's smile widens in contrast. He does so love it when he manages to get a leg up on Jaemin. "Of course not." He gets up from the table, brushing against Jaemin as he does so. "Wouldn't want to think about pining for someone else, now would we?"

Jaemin's silent as Donghyuck leaves.

♮

It's not that they're not friends. They're not close but they're still _friends_. Friends with some enmity in between them. _Frenemies_ , Donghyuck decides a few weeks later when Jaemin finally starts talking to him again. They'd both hit sore spots, too on edge to care about the lines they were crossing. It happens a lot though, especially when you spend all your time with the same people, in confined spaces and in confined personalities they have to occupy without cracking.

But he starts noticing Jaemin more and more after their tiny spat. Notices the tight way Jaemin smiles these days, especially when he's close to Jeno, which is an awful lot these days.

Donghyuck watches the whole Battle Trip episode, not without a small amount of pity because he knows what it feels like to be on that side of the equation, except he's never been followed around for two days and a night by cameras watching his every move and every expression while he's with the person he wants most in the world.

 _You did a good job_ he texts Jaemin on a whim the night the episode airs. He's overseas and he's pretty sure Jaemin's asleep, so he doesn't expect a response. So it comes as a shock to him when he gets out of the shower to see a text from Jaemin lighting up his screen.

**nana against the world**

??

Donghyuck rolls his eyes.

**you**

congrats on your confession to jeno

did it work

**nana against the world**

fuck you hyuck

**you**

not even if u begged na

The phone rings and Donghyuck raises his eyebrows at it in surprise before picking up.

"Aren't you supposed to be asleep?" He asks when he answers, glancing at the clock and trying to do some quick mental math. "It's like, what, three in the morning there?"

"Four," Jaemin says around a yawn. "Why are you trying to proposition me at this ungodly time, Hyuck?"

"Proposition," Donghyuck sputters around a laugh, the exhaustion making him collapse on his bed, stretching out, revelling at the ache of today slowly travelling down his body and rippling out the edge of his fingertips. "You flatter yourself way too much."

Jaemin snorts. "Why'd you call, Donghyuck?" He asks softly, the fatigue blurring the edge of his words.

“You called me first.”

“Why’d you _text_ me first then?” Jaemin asks, belligerent to the end.

The smile fades from Donghyuck as he stares up at the popcorn ceiling, tracing the spikes in the ceiling. He wonders what it would feel like if they fell off and hit him while he was sleeping. "I wanted to know how you're doing."

"By insulting my gross one sided crush?"

"Well, acceptance _is_ the first stage," Donghyuck hums, gratified when Jaemin lets out a low laugh. It sounds like fog rolling over low hills, shrouded in gray and a hiding a whole world unseen to the faraway eye.

"You're such as asshole, Hyuck."

"Pot, kettle." Donghyuck rolls over on his front, laying his phone on his pillow and pressing his face into the plush feeling. The aircon kicks in behind him and Donghyuck immediately breaks out into goosebumps. It’s too cold in here but he’s too lazy to get up and turn it off. "Seriously, Jaem."

"Seriously?" Jaemin takes a breath. " _Seriously_ , I feel like my heart is going to snap in half and cave in at the same time and I want to throw up but also I want to eat ice cream until I cry, and I also want to throw myself off the roof of the SM building because suddenly I'm a heroine in a shitty drama.”

Donghyuck absorbs all of this slowly, trying to parse out the words he can say that won't make Jaemin hang up on him. "It gets better?" He says tentatively, the statement coming out more like a question than anything.

Jaemin snorts. "Does it," he says flatly. "How the fuck does it, Hyuck? Really? Because you've been through this shitshow and you're somehow still functioning. Kind of."

Donghyuck thinks back to the past couple of years, of surviving his crush - and really that was the most appropriate word for the term because it really felt like there was a rock, a heavy boulder, sitting on his chest, _crushing_ his heart and lungs down into a bloody, bare paste, bleeding out for the world to see - of fighting his feelings for weeks and weeks and _weeks_ until they finally exploded and the worst possible thing that could have happened, did. He thinks about the months of silence from the person he was closest to and the hurt that had percolated after that, from every nerve ending and cell, an ache that felt so furiously unfair because all he had done was have feelings and despite all that he had worked for, all that he had given up, he wasn't allowed to have this one thing.

"It'll get better," he says quietly, at last because Jaemin’s breathing has gone a bit ragged on the other end, hurting and almost on the edge of something Donghyuck doesn’t want to hear him do. "It'll get worse before it gets better, because you’ll hate yourself for allowing to get caught up in the first place, and then you’ll hate him for not realising, or not reciprocating, and then you’ll hate everyone else, because this life is awful but it’s what _you_ chose, it’s all because of you, so in the end, you’ll wind up back to hating yourself. _But_ eventually… Eventually it'll get better, and you won’t think about it all that much anymore.” Donghyuck thinks for a second. “Or you could just confess now and rip the band aid out."

"I thought I already did on national tv," Jaemin laughs tiredly. He sounds weirdly squashed, like he's pressing his face into his pillow like Donghyuck is. "Couldn't have made it more obvious than that, could I? Your way sounds exhausting, by the way.”

"You're forgetting that you have a crush on the most oblivious person on the planet," Donghyuck points out, ignoring the last bit, because _oh_ he knows, he’s lived it all, right down the circle of hating yourself until your brain one day just decides to quit out of exhaustion and a final shot at self preservation. "You confessed with a large ass glowing sign and he still didn't get the hint. Short of planting one on him right then and there, I don't think he's going to realise."

"Or he does and he isn't saying anything to spare me," Jaemin muses.

"Well..." Donghyuck draws out slowly. " _That's_ depressing as fuck."

Jaemin laughs. "Go to sleep, Hyuck, you have to perform tomorrow."

"Don't you have practice?" Donghyuck shoots back but the effect is lost as he yawns around the words, his eyelids starting to feel heavy.

"Not till evening." Jaemin sounds amused. "Go to sleep, Hyuck. I'll talk to you later."

"Let me know if you have any more emotional breakdowns," Donghyuck murmurs, fingers hovering over the hang up button, eyes blurring as exhaustion overtakes him. “I’ll get you ice cream when I come back.” The last thing he hears before he drifts off is Jaemin's laugh, that if pressed and if he were slightly more awake, Donghyuck would have described as fond.

♮

Every good story needs exposition. It's where everything begins, where the groundwork is laid, but Donghyuck always used to think that the beginning of movies were the most boring. Because they didn’t reel you in quite yet, there’s nothing to want, nothing to look _forward_ to. But the buildup, the slow climb to that breaking point in the movie, that’s what Donghyuck loves best.

Their story builds like this:

Bit by bit, Donghyuck finds himself by Jaemin’s side, finds himself talking to Jaemin more, hanging out with Jaemin more. In short, doing all of the things Chenle had accused him of not doing.

Damn, does Donghyuck hate irony.

They’re not being subtle about it either, that’s clear. Chenle gets a very triumphant look that sits far too smugly on his face whenever Jaemin inches toward Donghyuck and away from Jeno and Renjun, his grin widening in the most unsubtle ways. Renjun definitely takes notice and Donghyuck’s sure _that_ conversation is coming soon, but not quite yet. Jeno, true to form, notices nothing.

But the kicker of it all is even _Mark_ , the most oblivious person in all of planet Earth and possibly the galaxies beyond, notices that something’s up. Mark, who _god_ , hadn’t even figured out Donghyuck’s ugly crush until Donghyuck had spit it out at him in a moment of fury and weakness.

“Where are you going?” Mark pokes his head out of the kitchen, frowning at Donghyuck as he grabs his jacket hanging from the hook by the front door. “It’s nearly eleven.”

“Dream,” Donghyuck says distractedly, patting his pockets down to make sure he has his wallet and phone. “Jaemin’s ordering tteokbokki.”

“ _Jaemin_?”

Donghyuck looks up at Mark. “Yes,” he says slowly, pulling his arms through the sleeves.

Mark makes a complicated face. “I didn’t realise you were - you two are talking now?”

“We never stopped,” Donghyuck says amused. Well, except for that little spat a month ago, but that hardly counts in Donghyuck’s mind. Besides, he’s telling the truth. Even during Jaemin’s hiatus, they’d texted, if at the very least very sporadically, but it wasn’t as if Jaemin had dropped off the face of the earth where Donghyuck was concerned.

“Oh.” Mark seems to process this. “Well, um, have fun?”

Donghyuck stares at Mark for a beat longer, taking in his expression and chooses the path of least resistance. “I will, thanks hyung.”

Jaemin is paying the delivery boy just as Donghyuck gets off the elevator, drawing his hood over his head, self conscious of his appearance for a flash of a second when the delivery boy glances over at him.

“Took you long enough,” Jaemin calls, swinging the black bag in triumph.

“I was talking to Mark hyung,” Donghyuck shoots, passing by Jaemin into the apartment which is eerily quiet. “Where are the kids?”

Jaemin shrugs. “Jisung’s eating with Chenle and Renjun.” He drops down on the couch, pulling the low coffee table closer to his legs. “I have no idea where Jeno is.”

“Maybe in his room?” Donghyuck suggests, pulling off his jacket. It’s too hot in the Dream dorms, unlike his own.

Jaemin shrugs, too casual to be taken seriously. “I didn’t check.” Donghyuck can’t help the smile that crawls across his face and Jaemin doesn’t miss it. “What?” He asks with a glare.

“You know, there’s a thing called trying too hard,” Donghyuck comments, breaking apart the chopsticks and opening the bag. The smell of tteokbokki wafts into the air and his stomach growls hungrily. “I know you’re trying to get over this, but it’s okay to move slowly.”

“And how did you?” Jaemin asks, and when Donghyuck glances over at him, he sees Jaemin staring seriously at him, not eating. Waiting for his answer.

“It took a while, Jaemin,” Donghyuck says, through a huffed laugh. “I took my time, didn’t rush it.”

“And fucked Jaehyun hyung.”

Donghyuck nearly drops the tteokbokki he’d been bringing up to his mouth. He debates between eating it and putting it back in the pot before it spills all over the sofa, and chooses to eat when his stomach growls at him in warning. Jaemin’s smirk is so annoying to look at. “How did you know that?” He demands.

“I don’t know why you think anything is a secret in this group,” Jaemin says airily. He surveys the food and stands. “I want ramen too. Come on.”

Donghyuck scrunches his face but ladles enough food into his own bowl and follows Jaemin to the kitchen where he’s digging around in Jisung’s stash.

“Why Jaehyun?” Jaemin asks, turning back around, holding a pot and three packs of ramen.

“Why not?” Donghyuck shrugs. “He was there, he didn’t care, and he was hot.”

Jaemin snorts. “So that’s the solution then? Get under someone else? Preferably hot?”

Donghyuck smirks to himself, remembering the very specific way Jaehyun’s voice had broken when he’d thrust up into Donghyuck. “Or over someone.”

Jaemin raises an eyebrow at him but doesn’t say anything else, simply flicks the burner on and comes over to Donghyuck to steal a bite from his chopsticks.

“How long has it been?”

“Hmm?” Donghyuck drags his gaze away from the television. They’d made their way through all the food and were now picking at the last of the ramen while watching some random variety show that had popped up.

Jaemin clears his throat and hesitates, and that’s what makes Donghyuck look at him, eyebrows raised. Jaemin’s a little pink in the cheeks and he doesn’t meet Donghyuck’s gaze. “How long has it been since… you know.”

Donghyuck knows Jaemin has a very specific camera persona that never breaks; it is unflinchingly iron hard, almost plastic in a way that would bother Donghyuck if he didn’t know the person behind it, but it’s always fun to see Jaemin’s real self come out. And this time it’s even funnier because Jaemin’s blushing and unable to look at Donghyuck for long.

“Since I last fucked someone?” Donghyuck asks, unable to keep the smile from colouring his voice.

Jaemin’s expression sharpens when he hears the amusement in Donghyuck’s voice, but he’s still blushing. Cute.

“Yes,” Jaemin spits, but Donghyuck doesn’t take offense. Jaemin’s just embarrassed and it manifests in a prickly attitude, like a hedgehog facing danger.

Donghyuck hums, thinking about it. “A while,” he says slowly. “I think once on tour but that was the last time.” It had been hard to get any alone time during those months, let alone enough time to fuck someone.

Jaemin drops his chopsticks in the ramen and turns to Donghyuck, gaze flicking up to him, and Donghyuck raises an eyebrow, wondering what’s coming. “Would you let me kiss you?”

All in all, Donghyuck doesn’t know why he’s surprised. He should have seen it coming, probably. The whole night had been leading up to this; Jaemin had probably planned it all out, right down to asking Donghyuck because Jaemin was rarely ever unprepared and that included propositioning his bandmates.

“I’m not going to replace Jeno,” Donghyuck says flatly because he needs to put that out there, needs to lay down the law, as it were, and Jaemin’s expression contorts into disgust.

“Ew, you couldn’t if you tried,” he says, giving Donghyuck obvious elevator eyes, dragging his gaze slowly up and down Donghyuck’s body, slow enough that Donghyuck nearly squirms. “At the very least, you’re a placeholder.”

“Harsh and unnecessary,” Donghyuck states and Jaemin smirks. “And also not the best way to get me into your bed.”

Jaemin’s smirk widens into something irritating and Donghyuck fights down the urge to hit him. “I thought this was just about kissing.” He bats his eyelashes at Donghyuck. “Do you crave my nubile body, Donghyuck?”

“Please,” Donghyuck snorts, loosening and slumping back against the couch. “We both know what you were asking, you were just too cowardly to ask for it.”

Jaemin considers him, tipping his head to the side. “Fine. Yeah, will you fuck me?”

Donghyuck thinks about it.

He doesn’t think very long.

♮

It’s almost stupid how easily they fall into a rhythm with each other.

It’s easy; so easy that Donghyuck doesn’t expect it, so easy that it almost scares him except that Donghyuck doesn’t think about that last part, only concentrates on how good being with another person, being with _Jaemin_ feels.

Jaemin pulls away with a slick, disgusting noise and gazes down at him, breathless. They’re lying in Donghyuck’s room, having escaped to the dorms by claiming to play games on Donghyuck’s computer, and have been making out for the last half hour. Donghyuck had borrowed one of Jaehyun’s dreary LP’s and that’s crooning softly around them, muffling the noises. Jaemin’s lips are glossy and red and his arms tremble from where they’re propping him up.

Donghyuck pokes one of his biceps, a grin stretching over his tingling lips when Jaemin’s arm shakes. “What’s the point of spending all your free time in the gym if you can’t even do this,” he teases, glancing up at Jaemin through his lashes.

“I’m not spending all my free time at the gym, some of it is here _not_ getting what I came for,” Jaemin snorts, glancing at Johnny’s bed, something fearful crossing his face. “Are you _sure_ Johnny hyung’s not going to be back for a while?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “Yes, you big baby.” He sighs, pushing out his lower lip at Jaemin. “You only want me for my body.”

“I think the same could be said about you,” Jaemin grunts as he lowers himself onto the bed, squishing down beside Donghyuck.

Donghyuck’s grin sharpens and he runs a hand up Jaemin’s shirt, rucking the fabric up and out of the way so he can scratch his fingernails against the hard line of Jaemin’s abs. Jaemin flexes involuntarily under his touch, shuddering, and Donghyuck glances up at Jaemin, victorious. “I’m not disagreeing,” he hums, and leans down to lick absentmindedly along the ridges. Jaemin groans, hips arching up into Donghyuck’s touch for half a second before he’s hauling him up, hands gripping tightly around Donghyuck’s arms and pulling him in for a kiss.

“You’re so annoying,” Jaemin mutters, sliding his fingers into Donghyuck’s hair tightly, hips rolling up against him.

“Mmm, you say the sweetest things,” Donghyuck manages before Jaemin tugs him closer and shoves his tongue down his throat, effectively shutting him up.

♮

Kissing Jaemin is… fun.

It’s weirdly fun because for one, Donghyuck didn’t expect it to be, and secondly, because it’s _Jaemin_. Donghyuck’s known him for years and years, has seen him through his worst acne phases, has heard his horribly embarrassing voice cracks, has seen him break down in tears in the third floor boys' bathroom during lunchtime when Jeno was out sick and Mark was off being the darling of the second year students because he was convinced he’d failed his evaluation that month and was going to be kicked out of SM.

And _yet_ , it’s only a little weird when Jaemin pushes Donghyuck up onto the kitchen counter of the Dream dorms and kisses him hard, his hand sneaking along the waistband of Donghyuck’s shorts, while the ramen bubbles merrily in the pot beside him.

And it’s only a little weird when they go to the movies and Jaemin plays idly with the tears in Donghyuck’s jeans and riles him up, just enough, that when they get back to the dorms, Donghyuck slams him up against the door and kisses him furiously, half hard in his jeans.

And it’s barely weird when Jaemin falls asleep in Donghyuck’s bed after a long night of playing games and in the morning they have a frankly fantastic, if a little sleepy and lazy, makeout session.

And if _anything_ , that small ounce of weirdness all gets thrown out the window when they fuck for the first time.

It doesn’t happen in the dorms.

The album's already come out and they're on the last day of some festival in Thailand. The rest of them disappear to go run around the city with their long suffering manager and Jaemin manages, somehow, to beg off alone time for both of them.

Youngjae hyung just shoots them both a narrow, weary look and utters a final, "Don't get into trouble and don't leave the hotel," before vanishing after a chattering Chenle who seems to be planning a whole day's worth of tourist activities into the last few hours they have in the country.

Jaemin shuts the door and turns back around to Donghyuck, a wide grin stretched across his face which is somehow turning impossibly sleazier by the second as he walks back to the bed.

"Stop looking at me like that," Donghyuck complains, flicking idly through the channels on the tv. "You look so creepy."

"You like this creepy face," Jaemin says, and in one swift movement, turns off the TV, knocks the remote out of Donghyuck's hand and pushes him flat on the bed, leaning down to kiss him.

Donghyuck considers resisting, considers pushing Jaemin off and making them go through the motions of watching a movie and letting the tension build until it gets to be too much. But then Jaemin does something wonderful with his tongue and a low noise escapes him, and every thought that doesn't have to do with immediately ripping off Jaemin's shirt and having his way with him goes flying out of Donghyuck's head.

It's weird how easy it is.

When Donghyuck had first slept with Jaehyun, everything had been too much. It had been _too_ tense, _too_ intimidating, _too_ good. If Donghyuck hadn't seen Jaehyun bruise and bleed he honestly would have kept on believing that he was an android, created by SM to take over the world with his good looks and perfect _everything_.

Fucking Jaehyun had been mildly scary every single time because it was all too perfect. Every single time.

This is _not_.

Jaemin bangs his elbow on the side table in his haste to get the lube Donghyuck had somehow managed to sneak past airport security and ends up cursing loudly, holding his elbow while Donghyuck bursts out laughing, straight into his face.

Donghyuck's leg starts to cramp up from how tense he is when Jaemin starts to finger him and they have to take a five minute break to reset.

They both bang elbows and knees and shuffle around far too much to make it sexy.

It's not perfect but _god_ is it fun.

It's fun when Jaemin finally slides into Donghyuck, having been too much of a chicken to let Donghyuck fuck him for the first time. It's fun when they finally get a proper rhythm going and Jaemin's fingers clench tightly around Donghyuck's hip bones, in that delicious way that's going to leave perfect bruises in the shape of his fingers the next morning. It's _fun_ when Jaemin meets his eyes, bent over Donghyuck's body, his hand clenched in the sheets beside his head and grins down at him, breathless and sweaty, and Donghyuck absolutely has to kiss him. Has to run his fingers through Jaemin's hair and lick into his mouth until finally, _finally_ Jaemin's hips stutter against his, and a low groan escapes his mouth, only to be swallowed by Donghyuck not even half a second later.

So, okay, maybe it’s a little perfect.

♮

Renjun finds out in less than a week after the hotel incident.

Or maybe he had found out before, but he chooses to corner Donghyuck about it a week after and during the worst possible time as well.

"Are you seriously doing this now?" Donghyuck asks, panicked, casting a glance up at the cameras recording the whole radio show. They're on a commercial break and the host had disappeared to the bathroom but it’s still the worst possible time and Donghyuck can’t believe Renjun would choose such a precarious place to broach this subject.

"This way I know you can't run away," Renjun says blithely, turning his back to the camera and facing Donghyuck fully, eyebrows drawn together like an Angry Bird. "What the absolute fuck do you think you're doing?"

Beside them, Jeno startles at the sudden rise in Renjun's tone, but Renjun bats him away before he can involve himself in the conversation. Donghyuck suddenly feels very exposed and wishes he had sat on the other side of the table with Jaemin and the maknaes. At least then, even if Renjun had managed to corner him, he would have Jaemin on his side. And Renjun would have to censor himself heavily in front of Chenle and Jisung.

"What?" Donghyuck says, choosing the path of playing dumb but going by the sharp uptick of Renjun's eyebrows, the darkening glare, it isn't appreciated.

"Whatever you're doing with Jaemin, it needs to stop," Renjun tells him firmly, lowly. "You don't realise how badly you could fuck up, he's in-"

"I know," Donghyuck interrupts, not looking up from the script, half because he doesn't want to capture the attention of any fan avidly watching his conversation and half because he doesn't want to meet Renjun's gaze. "I'm not an idiot, I knew months ago." It's not an ego boost for him to prove to Renjun that he knows all about the person he's fucking, but it pricks at Donghyuck's pride that Renjun thinks he'd be so careless with a group member, with a _friend_.

Renjun gapes at him. "And you still-"

"He asked, okay?" Donghyuck cuts him off again, not wanting to hear it. He doesn't care that Jaemin's in love with Jeno, he was in love with Mark for years and he still managed to fuck other people without breaking down too much. " _He_ asked _me_."

He doesn't say any more, not wanting to escalate the argument, not while they're sitting in front of half a dozen cameras, worried members who are starting to notice, and a radio host who's squeezing her way back to her seat as the commercials start to wind down. He doesn't like fighting with Renjun and even less in front of complete strangers.

"Just be careful," Renjun murmurs out of the corner of his mouth as he slides his headphones back on. Donghyuck’s not foolish enough to think that this conversation is over. Renjun’s just not foolish enough to continue it right now. "You might think he's strong, because you were, but he's more fragile than you think."

It's always the people that have never been in love, Donghyuck thinks distantly as the host starts her introduction, voice cheery and grating, that have the most to say about it.

He doesn't think Jaemin is fragile at all.

The complete opposite, in fact.

♮

Donghyuck bangs on Jaemin's door, earning himself a startled look from Jisung as he passes by the kitchen, and grins when a loud groan comes from the other end and Jaemin opens the door, eyes scrunched up against the light and his hair a ruffled mess about his head.

"Oh good, you're awake," Donghyuck says brightly, shoving his camera in Jaemin's face. "We're going out."

Jaemin glowers at him but it's not very intimidating given that he still has his eyes half closed and that Donghyuck can see the Ryan plushie by Jaemin's pillow where he must have been cuddling onto it. Cute.

"No," Jaemin grunts and tries to shut the door in Donghyuck's face, but Donghyuck pushes past him and slides into his room.

"Yes," he says cheerfully. "I have three hours to kill for this relay cam and I used up all my good ideas for the 127 ones, so we're going out to eat and I need entertainment." He spins to point at Jaemin. "Which is you."

"Can I plead sickness?" Jaemin mumbles, rubbing at his eyes. His pajama shirt rides up and Donghyuck takes his time taking in the view. When Jaemin catches his glance, he shoves his shirt down and glares at him. "No abs for people who wake me up."

"It's six in the evening," Donghyuck says. "You have terrible sleeping habits."

"We all do," Jaemin points out but he grudgingly trods to his closet and rummages around, silently giving into Donghyuck. "Where are we eating?"

"Nowhere fancy," Donghyuck says brightly, pleased that Jaemin is following along with the least amount of whining and turns his camera off for a second so he can bound up to Jaemin's side.

"What?" Jaemin asks grumpily when Donghyuck pokes his arm to get his attention, and when he turns, Donghyuck slides his free hand around Jaemin's neck and kisses him, brief but deep. A silent thank you, the only kind Jaemin would accept.

Jaemin doesn't miss a beat, and when Donghyuck tries to move back to let Jaemin get ready, Jaemin just hauls him back in, wrapping his arms around his waist and deepening the kiss.

"Fuck," Donghyuck breathes when they part, involuntary, and Jaemin's sleepy eyes curve into a smile. He pecks another brief kiss onto Donghyuck's lips before turning around to change.

"Later, maybe," he says, yanking his shirt off, making a very solid point in favour of Donghyuck ignoring his words and his relay slot and just pushing him down on the free bed that's right _there_. Jaemin casts a glance over his shoulder as if he can hear Donghyuck's thoughts and grins. "You're buying me food first to make up for waking me up."

♮

Like Jaemin said before, nothing stays a secret for very long in this group.

Donghyuck had hoped, of course, that this time it would have been different, that the gossipy aunties that occupied half of his member's souls would have taken a break for the summer season, but it seems, as Doyoung corners him on his way out with a stern look curling across his face, that Donghyuck's hopes were going to be dashed.

"Hyung, I'm just going out to get-"

"I'll come with you," Doyoung says, cutting across his protests like a bulldozer and yanking on his jacket before ushering Donghyuck out of the dorms like a sheepdog. "We need to talk."

"Get in line," Donghyuck mumbles, but he tugs his hood over his head and yanks his mask up. He needs coffee and Johnny, upon seeing him leave, had ordered him to come back with the largest, blackest coffee he could find, or to not come back at all.

Donghyuck hadn't taken any offense. It was a little funny anyway, to see Johnny break down over a video game closing on him of all things and then spend the next seventy two hours trying to regain his previous spot in the game.

When they get to the cafe, Donghyuck takes the longest possible time he can ordering his food and coffee before Doyoung wraps his hand around Donghyuck’s arm and shepherds him up to the second floor and into the corner, away from the mass of people crowding the first floor.

“What did you want to talk about?” Donghyuck mumbles, poking at the cake he’d ordered with his fork. He’d been looking forward to this cake all afternoon and now Doyoung was here, ruining it.

“You and Jaemin," Doyoung starts.

“Are fucking, yes,” Donghyuck agrees, hoping to move on quickly and get this over with so that he can enjoy his cake, but when he looks up at Doyoung, he sees his mouth hanging open, eyes wide. “Oh. You didn’t know.”

“Of course I didn't know!" Doyoung exclaims.

"Then what was this talk about?" Donghyuck wonders, cleaving a piece of the cake away and popping it into his mouth, relishing the sweet cream.

Doyoung eyes him and then sighs, slumping. "This makes so much more sense," he mumbles, pulling out his phone. "Have you watched your Dream relay cam?"

Donghyuck wrinkles his nose. "No."

"Well, you should," Doyoung says, placing his phone in front of Donghyuck, with the video paused. "Like _really_ watch it." He hands Donghyuck his headphones and pushes away from the table. "I'm going to get some coffee."He scrubs a hand over his face, mumbling, “Or alcohol.”

Donghyuck watches him go, confused for a second before bending back towards the phone and sliding the earbuds in, clicking play.

He knows Doyoung, when he's free, monitors all their videos as much as he can, but Donghyuck doesn't bother doing that. He doesn't see the point in playing himself back again and seeing all the missteps the editing team chose to leave in, see all the things he would have preferred to change.

Donghyuck wishes he'd been there when the editing team was working on this video though. Maybe then he could have destroyed the recording before it was released to the world like this.

The video starts out innocuously:

Camera Donghyuck pops up in their apartment elevator, chattering about how he's going to go wake up Jaemin and drag him out. The editing team blurs out Jaemin's sleep riddled face but you can still hear the conversation happening and then the camera cuts, right when Donghyuck had turned it off to kiss Jaemin.

Then it gets bad.

Donghyuck watches Video Donghyuck and Jaemin get into the car and talk the whole way there. He doesn't even remember this part and it's clear Video Donghyuck doesn't seem to remember that there was a camera there, watching his every move, because his eyes are too bright, his laughs too sincere. Jaemin is far more reserved, his camera persona tightly tied around him, holding him in his mold.

Video Donghyuck doesn't do any of that.

It gets worse as the video wears on, through the restaurant, throughout dinner. Donghyuck's touches linger too long, his gaze doesn't break away from Jaemin. He's too obvious. Too friendly. Just _too_ _much_.

Donghyuck swallows and turns off the video before he can keep watching. He already knows what happens next; he and Jaemin had ended up going to a karaoke room and then the video had ended there. He doesn't need to hear himself singing Bang Bang Bang badly on camera, and especially doesn't need to see his expressions when Jaemin starts singing.

Donghyuck pushes Doyoung's phone back to his side as if that will erase what he just saw. What the fuck was wrong with him?

"Did you finish?" Doyoung asks, coming up.

Donghyuck makes a noncommittal noise, unable to meet Doyoung's eyes. "Is that what you were so worried about? That I just looked too touchy?"

"You looked like you used to around Mark," Doyoung says, so bluntly, so flatly that Donghyuck flinches.

"That's not-" Donghyuck starts, finally looking up at Doyoung. He wishes he hadn't eaten that cake now, his stomach is roiling and his lungs suddenly too tight to hold the air he needs. "I'm not in _love_ with Jaemin."

Doyoung eyes him. "I know," he says slowly, as if trying to parse something out. "I thought you were just trying to make Jeno jealous or something, for Jaemin. I didn't realise you two had gotten so… Close."

"We're friends," Donghyuck says numbly. He knows Jaemin wouldn't use him like that, not without telling Donghyuck at least. And Donghyuck wouldn't object if he did. After all, it's not like he's in love with Jaemin.

"Friends who fuck," Doyoung points out and Donghyuck rolls his eyes.

"Hyung, half this group has fucked each other, it's a bit too late to pretend like it isn't happening. And we still work well together, so what's the problem?”

Doyoung's expression turns a bit panicked, eyes widening, and Donghyuck grins, shoving down all his misgivings, choosing to lord this new power he has over Doyoung.

"I don't-" Doyoung starts and Donghyuck's grin widens.

"You and Jinyoung-ssi make a lovely couple," Donghyuck says brightly, taking a long sip of his coffee before adding, "But _god_ , hyung you're so fucking loud sometimes."

The way Doyoung chokes on his coffee and starts spluttering serves as the perfect distraction from the swirling eddy in Donghyuck's mind and he chooses to focus on just that for the rest of the afternoon.

♮

"Fuck me," Donghyuck says.

Jaemin looks up, eyes wide, nearly dropping his controller.

The 127 dorm is empty. Well, as empty as it can get, which means that Jaehyun is hiding out in his room listening to dreary music, Doyoung is probably curled up watching a movie, and everyone else is either at the other dorm or out at schedules or living their lives like normal people.

"What?" Jaemin coughs out, setting the controller down gently. "Now?"

Donghyuck shrugs. "Why not? You haven't been playing properly for the last twenty minutes and I'm bored of beating you so easily."

Jaemin gazes at him, lips quirking up. "Is that the bare minimum nowadays? You're bored so you want to fuck?"

"What else is there?" Donghyuck asks, already leaning in, but before he can press his lips against Jaemin's, there's a hand pushed against his mouth. "What?" Donghyuck asks, but his mouth is smushed against Jaemin's hand so it comes out like _fbbt._

Jaemin narrows his eyes at him over his hand. "What's wrong with you?"

Donghyuck pauses and then pulls away. "Nothing. What do you mean?"

"You've been acting strange," Jaemin says. "And you wouldn't even look at me for the last week and now here you are, asking me to fuck you."

Donghyuck opens his mouth but before he can say a word, Jaemin breaks in, "Don't lie to me." His tone is serious and his eyes have lost all their levity and the lies die in Donghyuck's mouth before he can push them out.

He considers his options. He could kiss Jaemin anyway and risk a fight. He could lie, despite the warning, and Jaemin would figure it out because he's a bastard that way. Or he could tell Jaemin the truth.

Only one of those ways end without a fight. Donghyuck hopes, anyway.

"Did you watch our relay cam video?"

True to form, Jaemin wrinkles his nose. "No."

Donghyuck huffs a laugh. "Yeah that's what I said, but then Doyoung hyung forced me to watch it because he thought I was flirting too obviously with you to make Jeno jealous and he was worried it was going to blow up in our faces."

Jaemin stares at him, mouth dropping open. " _What?_ "

"Which is such a stupid plan, if you think about it," Donghyuck rambles on because Jaemin's face is doing some very complicated expressions and Donghyuck doesn't want to parse them out. "Because Jeno doesn't even bother watching his own shit, why would he watch a random video we put out?"

"Donghyuck," Jaemin cuts across and Donghyuck falls silent. Jaemin's expression has settled on something painfully sincere, something that is the farthest from his idol persona he gets. Jaemin takes ahold of Donghyuck's hands. "You- I wouldn't use you like that, you _know_ that, right?"

"Of course I do," Donghyuck says quietly, surprised. He _had_ known, of course, but it was always nice to have his most annoying fears squashed with one line.

"Is that why you were avoiding me?" Jaemin asks. "Because - what- you thought I was-"

"I don't know," Donghyuck admits before the conversation can devolve into something too truthful and too _real_ for them. "I don't know, I'm sorry. I just thought - I… I don't know." He doesn't know how to admit that it bothers him. The thought that Jaemin might still be _so_ in love with Jeno that he'd do anything to get a reaction. Donghyuck knows it takes time, knows firsthand how hard it can be to get over someone who's been hooked into your heart for a very long time.

He doesn't want to think about _why_ it bothers him. That is a road he is not ready to visit. Not at all.

"Come here." Jaemin holds out his hand and Donghyuck recoils.

"Ugh, _no_ , we're not doing this whole touchy-feely shit."

Jaemin rolls his eyes. "Just- come here, alright?" And before Donghyuck can protest and maybe try to run away, Jaemin wraps a hand around his wrist and yanks him into his lap, wrapping his arms around Donghyuck's waist before he can scramble back. "Lee Donghyuck," Jaemin says seriously, meeting his gaze.

"Na Jaemin," Donghyuck parrots back, trying not to quail from his gaze, thighs involuntarily flexing where they’re bracketing Jaemin’s hips. His toes curl underneath his socks anyway, because Jaemin’s gaze is a penetrating thing, one he can’t look away from and one that sends a faint shiver running down his spine when he doesn’t.

Jaemin kisses him without saying anything else and Donghyuck hates that he gasps, too surprised by the action to do anything but reciprocate, his fingers sliding back to cradle Jaemin's head.

"I won't ever use you," Jaemin mumbles against his mouth. "Okay? This right here, this isn't because I'm in love with someone else. It might have started out that way but it isn't now. Not for me, anyway."

And Donghyuck's so grateful that Jaemin decided to kiss him before saying any of this because it's so much easier to shut his eyes and kiss him again, so that Jaemin doesn't see anything incriminating fill Donghyuck's vision. "Me too. All of it. Me too."

Jaemin sighs and Donghyuck _feels_ the way his body relaxes under his hold, feels the tension bleed out of his shoulders and arms. "Good," he whispers and tips his head back up to meet Donghyuck's lips.

♮

Na Jaemin is many, many things.

He is a cocky bastard, he is infuriating, and a terribly cheesy actor. He is stupidly charming, far too charming for his own good, really. But the worst thing, the _absolute worst_ thing Na Jaemin is, is-

"Are you _hard_?" Donghyuck yells disbelievingly once they run off the stage to excited shrieking and screaming. The VCR thunders on in the background and okay- maybe Donghyuck's yelling too loud but he can't help it.

"I can't _believe_ you," Renjun scoffs as he walks past them to yank off his shirt and change into the next outfit. "Only _you,_ Jaemin."

Jaemin just shoots them a sheepish smile and turns to the bathroom. "Be right back," he says, and before Donghyuck realises what's happening, Jaemin's wrapped his fingers tightly around the scruff of Donghyuck's shirt and yanked him back into the hall, into the bathroom.

"What the fuck," Donghyuck splutters, just managing to turn around and shove Jaemin on the shoulder. "What's _wrong_ with you?"

"We don't have much time, you can yell at me later," Jaemin says and _god,_ Donghyuck hates him. Hates his stupid, smarmy grin. Hates everything about him.

"I'm not helping you," Donghyuck spits out, but before he can escape the bathroom, Jaemin pushes him up against it, hands on either side of his head.

"Why not?" He whines, lips brushing against Donghyuck's, eyes dark and wanting, at complete odds with the pout pushing out on his slick lips. "Help me out, Hyuckie. I'll be so good for you later, I promise."

"It's not like you've been particularly well behaved _now."_ Donghyuck glares at him before a thought occurs and he smiles, tipping his head. "You know what? Fine, I will."

Jaemin raises an eyebrow, clearly wary at the sudden change. "But?"

Donghyuck's smile sharpens. "But _you_ let _me_ fuck you in the near future."

In all the time they've been sleeping together, Jaemin's continuously balked at the thought of Donghyuck fucking him. It's not because it's Donghyuck asking, simply because he's never been on that side of the equation and Jaemin, not matter what he says, is a little bit of a coward and completely scared of placing himself in a vulnerable position.

Jaemin stares at him before his expression melts into something fierce and wanting. “Fine.”

They stumble back out into the dressing room just as the VCR ends, Jaemin hurriedly yanking the new outfit on, and Donghyuck close behind. Renjun, Jisung and Chenle are already up on stage and when they finally finish pulling their shit together, Donghyuck looks up to see Jeno staring at them.

“What were you two doing?”

Jaemin stiffens but he doesn’t say anything, only yanks his in-ear up his shirt and clips the back onto his pants.

Donghyuck sighs and turns to Jeno, whose eyes are wide, confused. “Nothing, don’t worry about it,” is all he manages, a tight smile stretching out, before they’re being ushered up to the stage. Just before they reach the top of the stairs, Jaemin brushes his hand across the back of Donghyuck’s jacket, a light here and there of his fingers before it’s gone. A silent thanks.

It’s the only one Donghyuck will ever accept anyway.

♮

The knock on his hotel room startles Donghyuck out of his fugue state.

They’ve just finished their concert in Bangkok, and since Donghyuck had won the draw for the single room that night, he’s just been lying on his bed staring aimlessly at the tv, too tired to focus on anything, too wired up to go to sleep. In three days he’s flown across the world twice and done two concerts and his body is simultaneously still running on adrenaline and just about to crash.

Donghyuck blinks tiredly at the door, wondering if he misheard the knock, when it comes again. With a groan, he gets up and trudges to the door.

Jaemin’s standing there when the door swings open and Donghyuck blinks at him in surprise. “Jaemin?”

Jaemin stares at him, a beat, two, three, before he’s stepping forward, cupping Donghyuck’s cheeks in his hands and kissing him. Distantly Donghyuck hears the elevator _ding_ in the background but he doesn’t bother cataloging it, just stumbles backward into his room, still attached by their lips. Jaemin kicks the door shut behind them and pulls away to stare at him.

“What?” Donghyuck asks breathlessly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Jaemin follows the motion with his eyes before directing his gaze back to Donghyuck’s eyes.

“I just…” Jaemin starts, just as breathless. “I’m just grateful you’re here. For me.”

“Oh.”

A smile softens the harsh reality sitting between them. “Yeah.”

Jaemin looks afraid.

That’s the first thing Donghyuck clocks when he settles in between his legs, lube at the ready. Jaemin’s still wearing his boxers and his eyes are wide and his hands are clenched tightly in the sheets and-

“You don’t have to do this,” Donghyuck says quietly. His hands are running up and down Jaemin’s legs, thumbs smoothing circles wherever they can, trying to soothe the wild-eyed look that has entered Jaemin’s expression. “Jaemin, I’m serious, it was a joke. You don’t have to make yourself do anything you don’t want to.”

Jaemin shakes his head. “I want to,” he says tightly. “I just - I’m just-” he breaks off, swallowing.

“There’s no rush,” Donghyuck says again, because he doesn’t like how tense Jaemin looks. He never wants Jaemin to look like that around him; Jaemin should always be happy, lighthearted, should be carefree. He shouldn’t look like this, not around _Donghyuck_. “Jaemin-”

“I want you to be the one who does it, okay?” Jaemin says fiercely, pinning Donghyuck to where he sits with his glare. “I trust you, you’re the _only_ one I trust to do this. I just need a _minute_.”

“Oh.” Donghyuck’s hands fall away from Jaemin in his shock. It’s a dizzying revelation, to be told by someone that you have their utter trust. In and out. Donghyuck swallows. “You can have all the minutes you like.”

He doesn’t know what else to say. What else _is_ there to say? This bubble of trust, this frantic little thing, sits tucked under Donghyuck’s ribs, making his heart beat faster and faster as if there was a tiny bird sitting atop his sternum, about to explode into flight. It all feels so new to him. Is this what love felt like when it was reciprocated? Like a fragile baby bird?

But then, because Jaemin is an impatient fucker who doesn’t accept his weaknesses as real, tangible things, who chooses to barrel past any misgivings he might have and forces the outcome regardless of any danger it might pose to him, he sits up and pulls Donghyuck into his lap, licking into his mouth, almost desperately.

“Donghyuck,” Jaemin whispers and Donghyuck’s eyes flutter open to gaze at him.

“Jaemin,” Donghyuck parrots back.

They’ve been in this position before; Donghyuck in his lap, Jaemin’s arms wound around the small of his back. Donghyuck looks down at Jaemin, at his big eyes and his lips, red and chapped, bitten where he thinks people won’t notice and distantly feels something twist in his chest. Dangerously. Warningly.

The moment stretches out between them, long and thin, and Donghyuck’s lungs seem to close in on themselves. Too tight. Too transparent. Jaemin swallows and licks his lips and Donghyuck’s gaze gets arrested there. By the faint stutter in Jaemin’s shallow breath, he notices.

It’s too much.

Donghyuck never meant for it to get this far.

Jaemin’s hands slide up his back, into his hair, and gently pulls him closer, downwards, leaning back until Donghyuck’s spread over Jaemin, flat on his back, his thighs bracketing Jaemin’s waist, kissing him with all the feelings he doesn’t want to say out loud, all the thoughts he doesn’t want to think about.

It was never supposed to be like this.

The night passes in flashes.

 _Blink_. There’s Jaemin sucking in a desperate breath, his thighs tensing against Donghyuck’s hold as he slides slick fingers into Jaemin, pressing exactly where it’ll make Jaemin gasp, his breath rushing out of him as his cheeks flush a deep pink, overwhelmed by the sensations wrapping around him.

 _Blink_. Donghyuck’s leaning over Jaemin, trying not to hurt him as he slides home, hips flush against Jaemin’s. Jaemin’s shaky hands come up to clutch at Donghyuck’s arms, his nails digging into flesh, and Donghyuck welcomes the pain. It keeps him grounded, keeps him from floating away, high, high into the sky, far away that he won’t have to face what comes next when the sweat has cooled between them and their hearts have stopped this frantic, rapid beat that threatens to rip out of their chest.

 _Blink._ Donghyuck’s flat on his back and Jaemin’s leaning over him, fingers pressing his wrists into the bed, creating bruises that Donghyuck will have to hide tomorrow, as his hips roll down against Donghyuck’s, maddeningly slow, his lips parted, his eyes boring straight into Donghyuck’s.

It’s never been like this, soft and slow. It’s never been this tender. Donghyuck’s never felt like _this_.

 _Blink_. Jaemin gasps, head falling forward into the crook of Donghyuck’s neck, hips jerking as he chases his release.

 _Blink._ Donghyuck wraps his arms around Jaemin and thrusts up, revelling in the small, choked-off cries that spill from Jaemin’s lips, straight into his ear.

 _Blink._ Jaemin kisses him and Donghyuck's mind goes blank, half from exhaustion, half from self preservation.

_Blink._

"Thank you," Jaemin whispers, pressing his forehead against Donghyuck's temple, the words slithering into Donghyuck's ear, making him break out in goosebumps.

_Blink._

Donghyuck closes his eyes. "You don't need to thank me."

Jaemin throws an arm around his waist and his touch burns. "Yes, I do."

_Blink._

♮

Now, all the way back to the start:

♮

Donghyuck wakes to Jaemin sliding out of his bed. Sleep is still clinging to the edge of his consciousness and so he merely turns, feigning sleep when Jaemin glances back down at him before he pulls on a shirt and opens the door.

"How was the movie?"

Donghyuck cracks an eye open but he can't see who's standing on the other side of the door, as Jaemin is blocking his view. The light shines out from the living room of the dorm into the bedroom, illuminating Jaemin's thin figure under his white sleep shirt. But Donghyuck's silent question is soon answered.

"It was okay," Jeno whispers. "I wanted to talk to you, can-"

But Jaemin shifts, placing his body more firmly in front of the door as Jeno makes to slide through. "Um, I - um, Donghyuck's sleeping," Jaemin says, haltingly, as if the words are difficult to get out. "I don't want to wake him."

"Oh," Jeno says, and there’s a world of unsaid words in that one breath. "Oh, um, okay. Couch then?"

"Yeah," Jaemin agrees, and Donghyuck sees his shoulders slump in relief. He just manages to let his eyes drift shut again as Jaemin glances back at him before sliding through the gap and shutting the door behind him.

Donghyuck waits for a beat, two, three, before sliding out of bed, grabbing one of Jaemin's hoodies from his computer chair to ward off the chill as he goes, and slowly pulls the door open, wincing when it makes a tiny creak.

"-spending a lot of time together," Jeno is saying when Donghyuck's ears finally pick out their conversation. The rest of the dorm is quiet, the only noise coming from the aircon above his head. Jeno and Jaemin are sitting on the couch, less than half a foot apart, Jeno looking straight at Jaemin and Jaemin looking down at his hands. Something clenches tightly in Donghyuck's chest as he registers the discomfort on Jaemin's face.

"Yeah, well," Jaemin says with a half shrug. "We get along well."

"Too well," Jeno says, leading, and Jaemin smirks up at him, clearly trying to maintain the hold he has on his icy shell.

"Yeah." A beat. "What did you want to talk about?"

Jeno coughs out and then ducks his head. "We haven't hung out in a while," he mumbles. “It’s like all of a sudden, Donghyuck’s your best friend, like you’ve forgotten completely about me.”

And Donghyuck watches as Jaemin's carefully held together facade fractures and then shatters apart; just in those first seven words from Jeno.

Jeno goes on, fingers twisting together harshly, twisting around and around, “I saw you kiss him in that hotel. You were - you were at his door and then you kissed him.”

And Donghyuck knows exactly the time he was talking about. He remembers the elevator _dinging_ just as Jaemin had cupped his hands over Donghyuck’s cheeks, just as he’d pushed against Donghyuck, shutting the hotel door behind them. Remembers what had transpired after. Remembers the way Jaemin had gazed at him as Donghyuck had fucked into him slow and sweet, just as Jaemin’s first time had deserved.

Going by the ashen look on Jaemin’s face, he remembers too.

Jaemin swallows. "I didn't- um I didn't think you'd noticed." _Or cared,_ his expression seems to say.

Jeno's head shoots up. "Of course I did," he says quickly. "You're my best friend, Jaemin-ah. I just want to make sure you know that we're not drifting apart.”

Jaemin looks up then and Donghyuck _sees_ him, really sees him, sees his wide eyes and the tiny spark of hope that lights up in it, _sees_ the way his heart, buried under layers of muscle and bone and months of hard earned steel, starts to beat again, in that tempo only meant for Jeno's ears.

Donghyuck swallows and then shuts the door silently, leaning his forehead against the wood, trying to breathe. His chest feels too tight, like his lungs are too big all of a sudden, pressing against his ribs, threatening to crack his chest wide open.

He walks back to the bed and grabs his stuff, waiting for the second that they'll be distracted so that he can leave, can run back to his dorm and pretend that none of this is happening.

That he hadn't just spent years falling in and out of a painful love with someone who wouldn't even look at him, just to turn around and fall back in love with someone who only had eyes for someone else.

♮

"Donghyuck."

Donghyuck tugs his sheets over his head and turns around. There's a sigh, and then the door swings open farther.

"Donghyuck, you need to get up."

"I don't need to do anything," Donghyuck mumbles through a hoarse throat. He hasn't said a word in a day, not since Jaemin had come up to the 127 dorm, a wide, hopeful smile spread across his face, as he'd told Donghyuck all about the conversation Donghyuck had already heard.

"I might have a chance," Jaemin had said quietly, hands clutching Donghyuck's. "You understand, don't you? You'd do the same for... You'd do the same, wouldn't you?"

Donghyuck had thought about Mark then, about what he would have done if, in that second, Mark had told him he returned all his feelings. It was quite telling then, wasn't it, that all Donghyuck could think about during that short period, that infinite second that seemed to stretch out forever, was Jaemin.

But all he'd uttered was a half breathless, "Of course," and the rest of the air remaining inside his lungs had rushed out as soon as Jaemin's smile had expanded, and he'd leaned forward to brush a kiss across Donghyuck's cheek, a here and there of his lips before he was gone.

The bed dips as Taeil sinks down on it, a hand tentatively coming up to pat at Donghyuck's waist. "You need to eat," Taeil tells him, steady. "You haven't left your room in a day."

"I'm fine this way," Donghyuck says and he tries to turn his face into the pillow, but Taeil turns him around, forceful. "Have you been working out?" Donghyuck asks, forcing a coy tone into his tired voice, peeking his head over the top of his comforter. "You're so strong now, hyung."

Taeil's usually placid face looks stern, not responding to Donghyuck’s flirting the way he usually would. "Come out to eat, Donghyuck-ah. I don't know what happened, but nothing is worth starving yourself over."

Donghyuck thinks of Jaemin's smile and promptly fights off a wave of nausea. "I don't think I can keep anything down," he mutters.

Taeil pulls the comforter down to his waist and offers a hand. "Well, try. I will drag you out of here if I have to."

Donghyuck summons up a cheeky smile. "You're not _that_ strong, hyung. Not yet."

Taeil stares flatly down at him. "I'll get Johnny."

The thought of being hauled out of his room over Johnny's back like some damsel in distress gets Donghyuck moving faster than any threat issued to him before could.

_This_ is why Donghyuck didn't want to leave his room.

He pulls his hood over his head, studiously staring down at his rice as all eyes around the table stay fixated on him. They're not all eating dinner at the same time - their kitchen table is far too small for that - but people keep coming in and out of the kitchen, and all of them stare at Donghyuck as they do so.

"I'm not hungry," he mumbles as someone pushes more rice towards him.

"Too bad," Doyoung's voice comes sharply. "Eat."

Donghyuck pushes his lower lip out further but does as he’s told, shoveling more rice in faster so that this conversation can end quicker and he can go back to his room and hide away from the world.

"What happened?"

Donghyuck glances up through his bangs at Doyoung. "Nothing," he says, and then bites his lip when Doyoung's glare sharpens at him. "You were right."

There's no need for elucidation and Donghyuck watches in some kind of quiet, distant, interest as Doyoung's face falls.

"Ah," he says quietly, his thin fingers clenching around the chopsticks in his hold before he lets them drop. "I'm sorry, Hyuck-ah."

Donghyuck shrugs. "I'm just an idiot."

"You're not," Doyoung snaps sharply. "Don't say that."

Donghyuck snorts. "I am a little, hyung. Have you ever met a bigger fool?"

Doyoung takes a breath, then gets up and winds around the table to wrap an arm around Donghyuck's shoulders. "Plenty of idiots exist in this world, Donghyuck," he says quietly into Donghyuck's hair. "Falling in love does not make you one of them."

♮

For once, Donghyuck's grateful for his hectic schedule. 127 are on another worldwide press binge slash random festivals tour and it keeps him busy enough that he doesn't have to think about wide-smiling, pretty boys who are far too enamoured with other pretty boys to pay any attention to him.

Unfortunately for Donghyuck, he forgets that technology exists.

**the worst dream member**

hyuckieee

**you**

im busy

**the worst dream member**

too bad

i need advice

**you**

what is it

**the worst dream member**

how would you confess to jeno

**you**

didn't u already do that

Donghyuck doesn't regret the loud groan he lets out as the phone rings. He was lying, clearly, when he said he was busy, but he doesn't want to talk to Jaemin right now. He's exhausted and he has to be up in another three hours for another press junket, and he just wants nothing more than to slide into sweet, sweet oblivion and not think about how badly his chest hurts when the phone picks up and Jaemin's cheery voice comes through.

"Stop being such an asshole and help me out here," Jaemin says brightly. There's a _oof_ as he lands on something and Donghyuck sighs, sitting up in his bed and forcing himself to sound less dead than he feels.

"Why are you confessing again. I thought Jeno already wanted to jump your bones just by seeing us kiss. Congrats by the way."

Jaemin sighs. "I can't just kiss him and hope for the best. But, Hyuck," his voice dips into something more serious. "I'm sorry, I told you I wouldn't use you and that's what happened."

"You didn't do it on purpose, did you?" Donghyuck grunts. He's so tired. "It's fine, then."

Jaemin makes a concerned noise. "Are you okay?"

"Just tired."

"Oh," Jaemin takes a breath. "Go to sleep, then, Hyuck. I'll call you later."

"Are you sure?" Donghyuck asks, but he's pretty sure he's not coming across as genuine as he wanted to.

"Yeah," Jaemin says after a beat. "Yeah, go to sleep, Hyuck. Thanks."

Donghyuck hums and then hangs up, tossing his phone and flinging himself back on the bed, shutting his eyes against the bright light that's making his headache worse.

♮

Sometimes you can sleep with someone without falling in with them. Donghyuck knows this is possible, had experienced it himself. Knows that you can fall into each other’s arms and let the world fall away from you, like gravity yanking you back down to the earth, attaches squarely to the small of your back, and can get up in the morning and walk away without the strong taste of regret painting the back of your tongue.

This, however is not one of those times.

He doesn’t speak to Jaemin for a while after that phone call. He doesn’t go to the Dream dorms as well, instead choosing to spend all his time with his hyungs, spending his break to the fullest while also teasing Mark about his obviously burgeoning crush on Kai sunbaenim because it’s so much easier to be glib about Mark now that he’s completely moved onto obsessing over another boy.

Donghyuck really hates irony.

But it seems his uneasy peace isn’t going to last long when Renjun shows up to the dorms one lazy Sunday afternoon. Doyoung lets him in and waves him to Donghyuck with the weary look on his face that appears whenever he has to deal with the Dreamies or a member of 127 who’s feeling particularly childlike that day, except Renjun’s made it appear in the ten second walk from the door to the sofa. Donghyuck admires Renjun’s talents if nothing else.

“We need to talk,” Renjun tells him, hands on his hips. “Get dressed.”

Donghyuck purses his lips up at him. “I don’t want to.”

“Fine,” Renjun says flatly. “You can leave dressed like this then.”

Donghyuck narrows his eyes at him. “Fine.”

They end up at the tiny noodle shop around the corner from their dorm, Renjun looking impressively put together in a caramel coloured sweater and jeans, and Donghyuck looking the exact opposite in his three day old sweats.

“What is it this time?” Donghyuck mutters, poking at his soup, watching the noodles float away from his chopsticks. That had to be a metaphor for his life, surely. “Are you going to insinuate that I’m going to fuck over Chenle’s life by getting my ignorant hands all over it now?”

Renjun looks contrite, if only for a second. “No,” he says, an apology that isn’t one. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You shouldn’t have poked your nose into my business at all,” Donghyuck grunts, irritably. He plucks a piece of radish from the tray in between them and crunches down on it, for one irrational second imagining it was Renjun’s bones.

“Well I’m going to do it again, now,” Renjun says, not backing away from Donghyuck’s glare. “You need to fix whatever it is that happened with Jaemin.”

“Nothing happened with Jaemin.”

“Bullshit,” Renjun snaps. “He’s been moping around the dorms for ages and-”

Donghyuck cuts him off. “Did something happen with Jeno?”

Renjun eyes him narrowly. “No? Was something supposed to?”

Donghyuck wonders if Jaemin had told Renjun about his plan to confess again. He won’t be the one to spill Jaemin’s secrets. “No,” he says, taking a large bite of his noodles to give himself a second to think. “He’s just been- they haven’t talked much lately, I know he’s been down.”

“They haven’t talked because all of Jaemin’s free time is spent fucking you.”

Donghyuck screws up his face. “I don’t know what you think happens with us, but we don’t sleep together nearly as much as you seem to believe.”

“I try not to think about you and Jaemin at all if I can help it,” Renjun informs him haughtily.

Donghyuck makes a face at him. “You would be so lucky.” A beat. “Why is Jaemin moping?”

Renjun looks at him in disbelief. “I don’t know, maybe because you haven’t talked to him in weeks-”

“Nineteen days, don’t exaggerate.”

“-and he’s acting _so_ weird around Jeno but he won’t talk to me about it, and putting aside the fact that you know exactly how long it’s been since you two talked -”

“-I’m good at counting, sue me-”

Renjun slaps his hands on the table. It hardly makes a noise because Renjun is far too well behaved to make a scene in public, but it does its job and cuts the conversation off. “Talk to Jaemin, Donghyuck,” Renjun orders with a glint in his eyes. “I’m serious.”

“You’re always serious,” Donghyuck mutters, mulish, and intent on getting the last word. Renjun’s glare shuts him up.

♮

It takes another week before Donghyuck is strong enough to pluck up the courage to walk the thirteen feet to the elevator, press the button for the floor where the Dream dorm resides, and walk the seventeen feet to the front door.

“Hyung?” Jisung says, surprised, when he throws open the door because Donghyuck had felt too awkward to just put in the passcode and open the door himself. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh, where’s Jaemin?” Donghyuck asks, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

Jisung tips his head. “I don’t know, maybe on the roof?”

“What? Why he would be on the roof?” Donghyuck blurts in confusion.

Jisung’s face twists into an expression of confusion. “I’m not sure, but I think Jaemin and Jeno hyung just had a fight or something,” he tells Donghyuck conspiratorially, leaning forward so as to not let anyone else hear. “Jaemin hyung just stormed out.”

“Oh,” Donghyuck manages. He can’t remember the last time Jaemin and Jeno had fought, and there could only be one reason why Jaemin had run away.

“Hyung,” Jisung calls as he turns away. “I don’t - Jaemin hyung didn’t look too good when he left. I don’t think you should push, not today.”

Donghyuck considers Jisung’s worried face and smiles reassuringly. “Don’t worry, Jisung-ah. I won’t.”

He turns around and slowly walks the seventeen steps back to the lift, and presses the button for the lift, his heart climbing higher and higher in his throat with every floor the elevator climbs.

Time to finish this off once and for all. No matter the ending. Time to stop waiting. Time to stop aching.

♮

The sun is slowly sliding down the sky as Donghyuck steps out onto the roof. Jaemin is standing by the edge, leaning over the side with his elbows on the ledge, cutting an impressive figure in the sunset.

Donghyuck considers him for a second before taking a steadying breath and stepping forward. "Jaemin."

When Jaemin turns, every single thought, every rushed, half-formed speech Donghyuck had conjured up in his head on the ride up flies out. Jaemin's eyes are glassy and his nose is red and his cheeks are scrubbed raw, that familiar look of someone who's just been crying written all over his face.

"Jaemin," Donghyuck says, shocked. "What's wrong?"

Jaemin takes a step, two, three and then they're colliding, Jaemin crumbling in Donghyuck's arms, his body trembling with the force of his sobs. Donghyuck just manages to catch him before they both go down with the force of the hug.

"Oh, baby," Donghyuck whispers, hushed, a dreadful hurt crawling over him as he strokes Jaemin's hair. "I'm so sorry."

Jaemin clutches him, fingers digging in tightly on Donghyuck's sides as he buries his face in Donghyuck's shoulder.

"I thought it would work this time," Jaemin says, his voice cracking halfway through the sentence. "I really thought - I thought-" he breaks off, shuddering as a fresh wave of tears drip down onto Donghyuck's collarbones.

Donghyuck's never seen Jaemin like this, not once. Not even after his surgery when he'd come back to tell them he was going on hiatus. Not even after Mark had left. Not even during their concert. He's never seen Jaemin cry like this.

"I know," Donghyuck soothes. He manages to lower them to the ground, leaning against the back edge of the roof, surprised when Jaemin holds on, face tucked into Donghyuck's neck, clearly not ready to let go just yet. "I'm so sorry, Min-ah. I wish-" he breaks off, trying to keep his voice steady. "I wish it had worked out for you."

Jaemin just clutches Donghyuck tighter. "He didn't even look at me, when I said it." He murmurs. "He just stared at the ground and then said- and then said- he- he didn't feel the same way."

Donghyuck closes his eyes. Jaemin keeps on going, talking softly, brokenly, muttering things that probably don't even make sense to him, but Donghyuck lets him keep talking. It's good to get it all out now. To let it out to a silent sunset and a silent friend.

Better than what Donghyuck had done, anyway.

But Jaemin was always the more emotionally healthy of the two of them.

Donghyuck takes Jaemin to his room. It's prime dinner time, but surprisingly the dorm is quiet, only a few people milling about the kitchen, but Jaemin just tugs his hood over his face and follows Donghyuck to his room.

"I can kick Johnny hyung out tonight," Donghyuck tells him. "Don't worry, no one will come in."

Jaemin just nods, curling up on Donghyuck's bed, looking so small surrounded by the comforter. "Okay."

Donghyuck takes his time, going through his routine, leaving Jaemin to his thoughts before sliding back into bed with him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Jaemin snorts, ugly and thick. "Haven't I already? Do you _want_ to hear more?"

Donghyuck stretches his arm out, gratified when Jaemin rests his head on it, throwing an arm over Donghyuck's waist, pressing his face into Donghyuck’s shoulder. "I'm here for you, whatever you need," Donghyuck tells him quietly.

Neither of them mention the weeks of silence between them. Donghyuck isn’t sure what he would even say.

Jaemin just sniffs and curls closer to him. "I just want to sleep," he whispers, warm air ruffling Donghyuck's hair. "I don't want to think anymore."

Donghyuck leans up to flick the light off. "Okay. We can do that."

♮

"Donghyuck."

Donghyuck scrunches his eyes shut, squirming away.

A finger pokes at his shoulder. "Donghyuck, wake up."

"Go away," Donghyuck tells the voice firmly.

"No." A huff. "Wake up, I know what I want."

Donghyuck slowly peels open his eyes, wincing when the sunlight pouring through the cracks in the closed curtains hits his face. Jaemin's leaning over him, eyes red but bright, and suddenly the memories of last night hit Donghyuck in a flash; Jaemin confessing, Jaemin crying in his arms, Donghyuck holding him as he slept.

"What?" Donghyuck groans, stretching. Sleep slowly leaves him, trailing down his arms and out his outstretched fingers. "What could you possibly want this early in the morning."

Jaemin stares at him, biting his lip. "I want you to fuck me."

All the sleep vanishes from Donghyuck in an instant. He stares up at Jaemin, wide eyed. " _What?_ "

Jaemin sits back on his heels, letting Donghyuck sit up. "Fuck me, please."

"Jaemin-"

"I know what you're going to say, but-"

"Do you?" Donghyuck asks. His heart is hammering hard and fast and he's pretty sure he's flushing pink. "That is a supremely bad idea, Jaemin, and-"

"You said you'd help me," Jaemin cuts across, something painful and hurt curling into his voice and _oh_ , Donghyuck nearly crumbles right then and there. "Hyuck, you- you said you'd be there for me."

"Jaemin," Donghyuck whispers, shoulders slumping. "You can't just fuck your feelings away, that's not how it works." _You said you wouldn't use me. You promised._

"But it's a start," Jaemin shoots back, his hands clenching in the sheets. "Hyuck, I don't think I can face him today, not after that. And we’re going to be together the whole day…" He stares at Donghyuck, pleading, lips nearly bleeding from how hard he's biting them. " _Please_."

Donghyuck closes his eyes.

It hurts.

It hurts more than Donghyuck can possibly verbalise, to slide into Jaemin, to feel his arms wrap around his back, to rock into him and feel and hear the soft gasps Jaemin lets out. He kisses gently down Jaemin’s neck, grateful for the opportunity to cover his expressions.

The sunlight streams in over them and Donghyuck should feel warm like this, with Jaemin around him and the morning rising slowly over them, but all he can feel is cold.

"Hyuck," Jaemin whispers, and Donghyuck drags his face up to meet his gaze. He's not sure what his face is doing, but whatever Jaemin sees seems to hurt him more. He bites his lip and cups Donghyuck's cheek with a trembling hand, wide eyes filling with something hurt and dark. "Donghyuck, I'm so sorry."

 _You said you wouldn't use me_.

"Why are you sorry?" Donghyuck asks in a soft whisper, bending down to kiss Jaemin. He rolls his hips and Jaemin gasps against his mouth, thighs slamming tighter around his waist. "I told you, I'm here for you. Whatever you need.”

_Even if it’s this. Even if it breaks me. Whatever you need._

Jaemin opens his mouth to say something else, but then Donghyuck fucks into him again, grinding against his hips, hard and slow, not wanting to hear whatever mumbled platitudes Jaemin will offer him, and Jaemin’s unsaid words vanish into a half-torn gasp. He doesn't want to know. He doesn’t want any more hope; it is all futile in the end anyway.

The vines around his ribs wrap tighter. Suffocating him.

It devolves so quickly from there. Jaemin’s eyes fall shut and his small whimpers spur Donghyuck on, arching his back to get whatever friction he can between their bodies. His hands clutch at Donghyuck and it hurts more than Donghyuck can describe when he feels Jaemin’s hand slide down his arm, up above his head to cling onto his hand, fingers twining into Donghyuck’s.

When Jaemin comes, Donghyuck watches him, unable to look away. Jaemin's mouth falls open, a pretty sound escaping his bitten mouth as he spills in between them, his thighs shaking where they’re locked around Donghyuck. He looks so beautiful. And he isn’t meant for Donghyuck.

Donghyuck bites down on Jaemin's bottom lip as he chases his release, his arms trembling with the effort of keeping him up.

He tastes blood as he comes.

♮

Donghyuck moves on.

Or at least, he tries to.

It's almost laughable how badly he handles it, this time around. As if he hasn't faced heartbreak before. As if he hasn't learned what it means to love someone and not have it reciprocated.

Donghyuck ignores it all.

No one speaks to him about it this time around. They all just keep shooting him worried looks but no one forces him to have a talk about feelings, and for that Donghyuck is grateful. He thinks if he starts talking about this, he'll start crying and then he won't be able to stop.

The _maddening_ thing is that they have no work. The one time in his life Donghyuck _needs_ SM to be an overbearing, overworking asshole, they give him time off.

It's horrible to wake up every morning, in the bed that he swears still smells like Jaemin despite Jaemin having slept there for one night, and have nothing to do. His brain can't stop running and his chest feels tight all the time, like he's constantly on the verge of a heart attack.

Jaemin doesn't try to contact him this time either, and Donghyuck's pretty sure it's because Jaemin realised his feelings. It's not like Donghyuck was trying to be subtle about it either.

So nothing happens. Donghyuck wakes up and lives his life and feels, with every single nerve in his body, the slow, terrible feeling of his heart breaking.

The days pass in a quiet haze.

Donghyuck spends more and more time outside the dorms, walking around the Han River, dragging Chenle out to eat. He writes a few songs, in the secrecy of an empty practice room and then throws them away in embarrassment before anyone can see the mess that Donghyuck's brain has vomited.

It doesn't get better, because why would it? Because clearly Donghyuck's brain has decided to get stuck on one person from here on out. and nothing he does or says will move him from the immovable force that is Na Jaemin.

It doesn't get better, but it gets easier to ignore.

His chest still feels just as tight, but he gets used to it. He still wakes up thinking of Jaemin, but it's easier to bat the thought away before it roots too deeply into his head.

"Hyung, are you okay?”

Donghyuck glances at Chenle. They’re setting up to do a vlive, just him and Chenle, and the combination is unprecedented enough that Donghyuck feels a faint stirring of excitement, for the first time in a while. He smiles at Chenle. “Of course I am.”

Chenle frowns at him. “You look unhappy. You’ve _been_ looking sad whenever I see you.”

“Ah, well,” Donghyuck shrugs, because Chenle of all people doesn’t deserve to put up with his dreary bullshit. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it, Chenle-yah. I’m just working through some things.”

Chenle purses his lips at him. “You don’t have to work through them alone, you know. You have so many people who want to help, me included.”

Donghyuck smiles, reaching over to caress Chenle’s hair. “Thank you,” he says sincerely. “But I promise, I’m doing okay.”

Chenle gazes at him for a beat longer and then sighs. “You two are so similar, it’s stupid. I swear I lose brain cells talking to the both of you.”

Donghyuck nearly opens his mouth to ask _who_ , but it’s clear who Chenle’s talking about. He just settles on a faint snort and turns to the phone, clicking start on the recording. It takes a minute but soon the screen is filled up with comments, heart popping up every half a second, and Donghyuck hardly notices the exasperated look Chenle throws at him before he starts talking.

♮

Dream gets another Station song.

Winter is upon them, snow coating the window sills outside the stuffy conference room they’re gathered in, and despite the heat being on, Donghyuck feels cold the moment he steps in the room. Thankfully, Renjun’s past whatever snit he’s been in the last few months and he doesn’t protest when Donghyuck slides into the chair beside him, slipping back a few inches so as to be hidden, though it’s a mostly futile act given how slight Renjun is.

He looks up once, when their producer clears his throat, and instantly catches Jaemin’s eye. Donghyuck sits there, frozen, unable to move as Jaemin gazes back at him until Renjun kicks his chair, jolting him out of his thoughts, and he immediately stares back down at the table, refusing to look up again.

It’s funny. He always used to be able to read Jaemin, even when they weren’t close, but now, in that second that seemed to stretch out to infinity, he couldn’t parse out a single thing in Jaemin’s big eyes.

The song they’re being given is soft and sweet, warm piano chords wrapping a high overarching melody. Chenle’s voice will shine in it, Donghyuck’s sure. The lyrics-

Donghyuck sits up straight, staring into nothing as the words ring through and through his head, circling around and around until he sees white.

He’s heard these words before. He’s _written_ them and then had shoved it deep, deep into the trash bins outside the practice room on the third floor of the SM building where no one could ever find them.

Donghyuck folds his hands together and looks down at his lap. He’s going to _kill_ Mark Lee.

♮

“Stop hitting me!” Mark yelps, nearly falling off his bed with how fast he scrambles to get away from Donghyuck.

“Who! Gave! You! The! Right!” Donghyuck yells, smacking Mark with the pillow on every word. “Those were _my_ lyrics, not yours! They weren’t yours to give away!”

“You would never have submitted them!” Mark yells back, hands over his head as Donghyuck gets in one last solid hit. “You would have just let them be thrown away and they were too good for that.”

The words fall like shattering glass in between them, and Donghyuck slumps down on the bed, the pillow slipping from his grasp. Mark tentatively reaches forward and then snatches the pillow back as quick as he can so Donghyuck can’t reach it anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Mark says quietly. “I’m sorry for going behind your back, but I’m not sorry for submitting them. They were good and now they’re going to be in a _song_ , Hyuck.” He gazes pleadingly at Donghyuck. “That’s amazing.”

“Those were lyrics I wrote when I was stupidly heartbroken,” Donghyuck spits, but he’s quailing under Mark’s earnest gaze. He’s right, it _is_ amazing. It’s all Donghyuck ever wanted - to have his name on a song, to have something he created out in the world. “No one was supposed to read them, let alone have them be in a song for _everyone_ to hear.”

Mark looks sheepish. “They were really good though.” He bites his lip. “Were you really that heartbroken, though?” At Donghyuck’s glare, he scrambles to elaborate, hands waving. “I didn’t mean it like that! Just - you know…” He coughs. “I didn’t know you and Jaemin were like _that…_ That close.”

“We aren’t,” Donghyuck says. “Not anymore.” They weren’t even like _that_ to begin with. Donghyuck was the fool who had allowed himself to get caught up in another meaningless relationship and had fallen too hard and too fast. Again.

Mark looks lost and he tentatively pats Donghyuck’s knee. Donghyuck snorts at the gesture. “I’m sorry, Hyuckie,” Mark says quietly, drawing his hand back. “But you know, things always work out.” He grins at Donghyuck, a crooked little thing. “It did with us, didn’t it?”

Yes, Donghyuck supposes, it did.

♮

He runs into Jaemin in the elevator.

He almost doesn’t notice at first; the door dings and he just shuffles over, too engrossed in his phone to look up. But then he does, and he sees Jaemin’s wide eyes staring right back at him, his hand pressed against the side of the elevator to hold it open.

“Hi,” Donghyuck says softly, because it’s clear that Jaemin isn’t going to speak first. Or move apparently. That seems to break him out of whatever daze he was in, and Jaemin walks into the lift, still staring.

“Hey,” he echoes, and just as Donghyuck is about to hit the button for the first floor, Jaemin grabs his wrist. “Wait, can we talk. Please?”

Donghyuck’s heart nearly stops. It’s been more than a month since he last spoke to Jaemin, more than a month since that night, and he doesn’t think he’s ready for another confrontation. Not now. Not ever.

“Please,” Jaemin murmurs again, as if realising that Donghyuck is about to say no. “It’ll be so quick, I just need to tell you something and I don’t want to do it in this elevator.”

Donghyuck glances up at him and nearly flinches when he sees the sincerity in Jaemin’s gaze. “Okay,” he says quietly. There’s a lump building in his throat and it hurts. “Okay, yeah, we can talk.”

It’s freezing when they exit up onto the roof and Donghyuck wraps his arms tighter around himself, shivering.

“Do you want my jacket?” Jaemin asks, about to slide out of it, but before he can, Donghyuck shoots him a look.

“Don’t start acting like a drama lead all of a sudden,” he tells him, and Jaemin’s grin is startling. Donghyuck hates how much his heart pangs at it, how much he’s missed seeing Jaemin smile.

“Fair.” He shrugs the coat back on.

“What did you want to talk about?”

Jaemin faces him fully, biting his lip as he does so. “I need to apologise to you,” he starts quietly. “What I did, what I asked for, that wasn’t fair to you.”

Donghyuck thinks about shrugging it off, thinks about brushing his apologies away and going back down, to wallow in his thoughts, but… But he hadn’t endured everything in this last month not to say his piece.

“You used me.” Jaemin flinches but Donghyuck continues, undeterred. “You used me and it hurt. A _lot_ , Jaemin.”

“I know,” Jaemin whispers, devastated.

“Do you remember what you said?” Donghyuck asks him, because he’s not done. Jaemin doesn’t know what he’s gone through, doesn’t know what he’s felt. “Do you remember what you promised me when I freaked out about that stupid video?”

“‘I promise I won’t use you,’” Jaemin echoes, pained. An echo of months and months ago when Donghyuck was stupidly happier and more content and ignorant of _why_ he was so happy and content _._ “I _know_ , I fucked up, Donghyuck.”

“I was in love with you,” Donghyuck blurts all of a sudden. He doesn’t plan to say it, just knows that the words had been clamoring at the back of his tongue and suddenly, there they were, hanging in the freezing air between them, still as frozen snow.

Jaemin looks even more crushed, if possible. “I know. I realised that - that morning. I saw.”

Donghyuck closes his eyes. What was the point of all this idol training if he couldn’t even keep his emotions hidden for one morning? “I’m not blaming you,” Donghyuck starts, because that would be so hypocritical of him. To hate Jaemin for not returning his feelings, after all he’d been through. After all _they’d_ been through. “I just - you really hurt me, Min-ah. That’s all.”

That’s all. As if Donghyuck hadn’t spent the last three months feeling his heart rip to shreds and slowly put it back together.

“I’m sorry,” Jaemin says quietly, stepping forward and Donghyuck doesn’t stop him as he wraps his arms around Donghyuck, pulling him into a warm hug. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Stop,” Donghyuck huffs out, overwhelmed, and Jaemin snorts out a pained huff.

“I don’t think I can,” he admits and Donghyuck feels him press his face into his hair. “You were so nice to me -”

“-I don’t think anyone can call me nice,” Donghyuck interjects, cheeks flushing because he isn’t.

“And I didn’t do anything to deserve that,” Jaemin continues, undeterred. “So I’m going to keep apologising. I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck pulls away, just a bit so he can glance up at Jaemin. He takes a breath. “I forgive you.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“But I do,” Donghyuck says, smiling faintly. He can’t feel anything but a faint prick of sadness and a whole lot of fondness for the boy in front of him, the boy who hasn’t stopped staring at him, eyes wide. “Comes with being in love, Jaemin. You’d know.”

Jaemin’s eyes widen and Donghyuck feels a stab of worry because oh god, he’s possibly fucked it up all over again, but then, “You said ‘was’,” Jaemin says.

“What?”

“You said ‘I _was_ in love with you’,” Jaemin repeats slowly. “Does that mean…” He trails off, staring down at Donghyuck.

“What do you want me to say?” Donghyuck asks, a tinge of pain to his voice that he can’t quite mask. “Yes, I’m still in love with you and I know you don’t feel the same and it’s okay-”

“I do though,” Jaemin blurts out and then, comically, slaps his hand over his mouth.

Donghyuck stares. “ _What?_ ” He demands, but when Jaemin doesn’t move, still frozen, Donghyuck rolls his eyes and yanks his hand down away from his face. They’re still standing way too close to each other, their breaths mingling in the air creating a white cloud of fog surrounding them, and Donghyuck feels Jaemin’s hand clench around his, holding him. “ _Jaemin_.”

“I don’t - okay I don’t know if I love you, not like I did Jeno,” Jaemin says, fast. “But I started thinking about this past month and then I heard that _you_ wrote the Station lyrics-” (“I’m going to _kill_ Mark Lee”) “-and I started thinking more and more about _you_ and how happy I was with you and basically how this last year of my life has been hell _except_ during all the times when I was with you.” Jaemin sucks in a desperate breath and doesn’t lose a beat as he continues, “So I don’t know if that’s love or not, not yet, but I do know this: you make me happy, Lee Donghyuck. Only you. Especially when you’re being an asshole and an annoying brat and basically driving me up the wall, I’m still so happy when I’m with you. And I just- I just don’t want to lose you.” He stares at Donghyuck desperately and then cups his cheeks in his freezing hands and steps closer. “Please don’t make me lose you.”

Donghyuck stares up at him, frozen, mind spinning.

“You broke my heart.”

Jaemin stares at him and Donghyuck purses his lips. Jaemin’s hands are warm, nearly burning his cheeks but Donghyuck doesn’t pull away but nor does he step closer. He’s going to say his piece because even though it feels like his heart is ready to break out of his ribs, that tiny baby bird having grown up so much, suddenly too small for his chest, he wants to say exactly what he’s been spinning around and around in his head for months.

“Jaemin, you… I thought I would survive you, I thought I could be your friend and sleep with you and that it wouldn’t kill me but _god_ , Jaemin, it _nearly_ did. And I don’t want to go through that again.”

Jaemin starts to look crestfallen but Donghyuck presses on.

He feels breathless.

He feels like he can breathe for the first time in months.

“You don’t want to lose me? Neither do _I_. And I don’t think I can do that if you break my heart again.”

The silence stretches out in between them, taut, like the final piece of that red string that Donghyuck had never imagined would form between them, is fraying in the center.

Jaemin swallows. “I’m not going to pretend I know my feelings for you,” he says quietly before going on, slowly and quietly and in that damningly truthful way Jaemin has because he’s a bastard and lives to drive Donghyuck crazy above all else. “I can’t compare you to Jeno because that’s not fair and also, I don’t know _how_ to even quantify that. You’re _you_. You make me happy and make me laugh and let me be as much of an asshole as I want and you like me that way. And I can’t promise you that we’ll be perfect or we’ll be _it_ , but god Hyuck, you make me want to _try_.”

Donghyuck stares up at him, stares at this beautiful boy, who might be just as broken as Donghyuck is at this part and can’t feel anything but a quiet want. They might break apart, they might collapse in between themselves and they might take the whole group in with them. But… But fuck it all, Donghyuck really wants to try.

He wants to make Jaemin happy. He wants to _feel_ happy.

“Only you, Na,” Donghyuck sighs finally, stepping as close as he can to Jaemin. “Only you would call the person you’re confessing to an asshole.”

Jaemin’s smile lights up the world around them. “Pot, kettle,” he says shakily just before Donghyuck kisses him.

So it wasn’t easy or fun or even quick, getting here to this point, but standing there, in the freezing morning, wrapped up in Jaemin and Jaemin only, Donghyuck has to admit. It might be just a little perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you thought! i was so excited to share with everyone and would love to know your brain waves~
> 
>   
> [twt](https://twitter.com/_donghyuck_)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/thereisnoreality)  
> 


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